Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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