I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
