I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
