You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
