It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
