why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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