Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
