I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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