I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
