it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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