I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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