I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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