that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
