a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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