My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you never un-have a 4some
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
