I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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