I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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