OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
