This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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