Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
your like the ambassador to my penis.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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