i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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