In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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