at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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