I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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