You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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