then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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