there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Found the puke drawer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
