did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
