Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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