I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
