if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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