How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
