Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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