Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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