Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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