How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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