I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I checked into jail on foursquare
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
