I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i would punch a child for taco bell
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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