i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
