My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
