I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
