Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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