You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Shame - the story of my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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