my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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