sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
