You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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