his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
