omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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