I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
