i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
