remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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