Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
