mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
