I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
