she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
