I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
