Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There's always time for handjobs
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
