take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize